Maybe You're Trying to Save a Marriage That No Longer Exists
Letters to Couples
Maybe You're Trying to Save a Marriage That No Longer Exists
Dear Couple,
There are certain moments in my work that stay with me long after the session ends.
One of those moments happened when a husband looked at his wife and quietly said,
"I just want things to go back to the way they used to be."
Nobody spoke for a few seconds.
His wife looked down.
I looked at both of them.
And I found myself thinking something I didn't say out loud.
What if there's nothing to go back to?
Not because their marriage was beyond repair.
Because life had changed them.
The two people sitting in front of me weren't the same two people who stood at the altar years earlier.
Back then, there were no children.
No demanding careers.
No aging parents.
No financial pressure.
No disappointments they never saw coming.
No losses they never imagined carrying.
The marriage they missed belonged to two younger people living a very different life.
I think many couples get stuck here without realizing it.
They spend years trying to get back to a version of their relationship that simply isn't waiting for them anymore.
Almost as if happiness is hiding somewhere in the past.
But marriages don't stand still while life moves forward.
Neither do people.
The husband who loved you at twenty-eight isn't exactly the same man at forty-five.
The woman who married you isn't exactly the same woman after years of building a career, raising children, losing loved ones, succeeding, failing, celebrating, grieving, and simply living.
Why would we expect the relationship to remain unchanged?
Maybe the question isn't,
"How do we get back?"
Maybe it's,
"Who are we becoming now?"
Those questions take us in completely different directions.
One keeps looking over its shoulder.
The other begins looking ahead.
I've noticed that couples who continue growing together aren't usually the ones desperately trying to recreate the past.
They're curious enough to build something neither of them has experienced before.
They keep asking,
"What does our marriage need from us in this season?"
Not five years ago.
Not before the kids.
Not before the business.
Not before the deployment.
Now.
If you've been searching for marriage counseling in Colorado Springs, couples therapy in Colorado Springs, or simply wondering why your relationship feels different than it once did, maybe the answer isn't that love disappeared.
Maybe life changed.
And your marriage hasn't been given permission to grow with it.
That's not failure.
It's an invitation.
An invitation to stop chasing the marriage you remember...
...and begin building the marriage your life needs today.
Maybe tonight, instead of asking,
"How do we get back to where we were?"
Try asking your spouse,
"Given everything we've lived through, what kind of marriage do we want to build from here?"
I have a feeling that conversation will take you somewhere the first question never could.
Until next time,
Oluwatosin Sam Ayeni
Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Pikes Peak Couples Counseling & Wellness Center
Colorado Springs, Colorado