SAM AYENI • PIKES PEAK COUPLES
Most People Prepare Morefor Their WeddingThan Their Marriage.
I know that's a bold statement. But I believe it's true. Not because I've read it somewhere. Because I almost made the same mistake myself. About fifteen years ago, I was engaged to be married. I loved the woman I was about to marry. I couldn't wait to start our life together. I wasn't afraid of commitment. I wasn't looking for a way out. I was all in.
But there was a question that kept bothering me. A question I couldn't seem to shake.
How exactly does someone become a good husband?
Not a husband. A good husband.
At the time, I was serving in the United States Army. I had recently returned from a deployment to Afghanistan and was stationed in Fairbanks, Alaska. I knew how to operate in combat. I knew how to carry responsibility. I knew how to function under pressure. But the more I thought about marriage, the more I realized something that felt embarrassingly obvious.
I had never been a husband before.
Nobody had taught me how to build a healthy marriage. Nobody had taught me how to navigate conflict with someone I loved. Nobody had taught me how to protect intimacy, repair disconnection, or create emotional safety. I had received more training on how to shoot a rifle than on how to build a relationship.
And that realization bothered me. A lot.
The Search for Answers
The Barnes & Noble Scholarship Program.
Because I knew love wasn't enough. Love might get two people to the altar. But what would carry them through the next fifty years? I didn't know. So I started looking for answers. The problem was that I didn't have much money. Military pay wasn't exactly setting me up for a personal library filled with marriage books.
So I improvised.
Almost every evening after work, I'd drive to Barnes & Noble in Fairbanks. I'd walk straight to the relationships section. Pick a book off the shelf. And then settle into a chair near the fireplace in the middle of the store. That became my routine. Day after day. Week after week. For nearly three months. While other people were watching television or heading home, I was sitting in a bookstore reading about marriage, relationships, communication, intimacy, and divorce.
By the time I was finished, I had read twenty-seven books. To this day, I jokingly refer to it as my Barnes & Noble scholarship program.
I started asking questions most people never stop to ask:
Why do some couples grow closer over time while others slowly drift apart?
Why do good people end up feeling lonely in relationships they once treasured?
Why do two people who genuinely love each other find themselves stuck in the same painful arguments year after year?
What causes one marriage to thrive while another quietly erodes?
Clinical Foundation
A Master's in Human Connection.
Why do human beings suffer in relationships? That question eventually led me back to school, where I earned a Master's Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family Therapy.
It led me into counseling rooms with couples from every imaginable background. Newlyweds. Couples recovering from betrayal. Business owners. Military families. Pastors. Professionals. Parents. Couples on the brink of divorce. Couples trying to reconnect after years of emotional distance.
And after all these years, I've come to a conclusion that surprises many people:
Most couples don't struggle because they don't love each other. Most couples struggle because they cannot see the pattern they're trapped inside.
A husband believes he's explaining himself. His wife experiences him as emotionally absent. A wife believes she's expressing her needs. Her husband experiences her as criticism. Neither person wakes up intending to hurt the other. Yet both walk away feeling hurt. I've seen that same cycle repeatedly. Different names. Different stories. Different circumstances. Same pattern.
That's why when couples meet with me, I'm usually less interested in the content of the argument and more interested in the pattern beneath it. Because the argument about money is rarely about money. The argument about sex is rarely about sex. Usually there is a deeper question hiding underneath all of it:
Usually there is a deeper question hiding underneath all of it:
- Do you see me?
- Do I matter to you?
- Can I trust you?
- Am I safe with you?
- Are we okay?
Most people never say those questions out loud. But they're often what the conflict is really about. Maybe that's why you're here. Maybe you're engaged and want to build a stronger foundation than most couples ever do. Maybe you've been married for years and find yourselves having the same conversation over and over again. Maybe from the outside your life looks successful, but behind closed doors something feels disconnected.
Whatever brought you here, I want you to know something. There is nothing wrong with needing help. There is nothing wrong with wanting more from your relationship.
And there is certainly nothing wrong with deciding that your marriage deserves the same level of attention and intentionality that you give the rest of your life. Because that's what changed my marriage. And it's what I'm helping other couples do as well.
I'd be honored to help you do the same.
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Sam Ayeni
Professional Foundation
- Masters in Clinical Counseling and Marriage & Family Therapy
- Member of American Counseling Association
- US Army Combat Infantry Veteran
- Former Pastor